Burden of Independence

I recently read a blogpost written by a young married woman addressing the topic, "Why you should be more high maintenance." The post was geared toward women who constantly find themselves striving to be "low-maintenance" because they do not want to bother other people or be a burden to those around them, especially the men in their lives. It goes on to dispel the theory that asking for help is a negative action, and it points out several positive reasons why it's alright for a woman to be less independent and more vulnerable regarding her needs. However, the author specifically discusses the importance of a woman recognizing her tendency to be independent in regards to marriage or a romantic relationship, since nurturing one another's needs is a primary way to sustain that type of relationship. As I read, the article struck a chord with me. I began to wonder, how can this be applicable to single women in regards to the young men in their lives? Is it? Or should we only apply these concepts if or when we are in a relationship or married?

Mainstream American society today manages to complicate this topic further, as it provides exhaustive pressure and a skewed set of expectations for many young women. Often girls in their twenties are faced with the supposition that they must be educated, find a job, support themselves, and figure out how to do life and handle responsibilities on their own, whether they want to or not. While some of this is true, desired, good experience, or necessary for survival at times, each of these expectations, combined with the negative societal stereotype of "clingy" and "needy" women, scream of the necessity of independence and promote the idea that figuring it out on your own is a requirement for acceptance and approval among peers.

Due to expectations within our society and the result of the feminist movement, many women have taken on responsibilities and independent lifestyles in recent decades, accepting the challenge to prove they are capable of doing it all and figuring it out themselves. For numerous young women today, cultural expectations have become a natural life path, believing that moving out, becoming financially stable, and learning to be independent and not "need" guys in their lives is simply the way it's done. When a situation arises that a young woman should not face alone and where the aid of a male friend or family member would be helpful, no matter how scared she is inside, more often than not she automatically faces it alone because she has been taught that she should be able to handle it.

Years ago, before the expectation of independence was prominent, a single woman was often near family, and she turned to her father or a brother for support and assistance when necessary. Today, with members of families scattered across the country, many young ladies find themselves facing situations by themselves (situations where the support of other women can only go so far), whether it is by choice, or because she is in a position where the circumstance has to be dealt with and she is simply alone or doesn't know where to turn due to the restrictions culture has placed on girls asking for help and appearing vulnerable to the guys who actually are in her life, in whatever capacity.

How then can a young, single woman who lives away from family apply this principle of being less independent and not scared to ask for help? Should she? Or is it best kept within marriage and relationships? Does she need to carefully monitor what for and how often she asks guys in her life for help so she doesn't become annoying and needy? (i.e. moving a heavy dresser might make sense to ask for help with, but she may fear that putting air in tires is a silly thing people will think she should be able to do herself). In some instances, lines of acceptable interaction between men and women have become so blurred it is nearly impossible to decipher the code, and it is easier for a girl to forget the whole thing and figure out the problem herself.

Despite growing up in a  home where independence was not an expectation and where I was encouraged to ask for help when needed, now that I do not reside near my immediate family I feel the pressure to "not be a burden" more often than I would like. I dislike the independent streak that I see developing in myself, but I have no idea how to stop it. There are times I have to do things alone out of necessity,  or if I wonder if I should ask a guy for help, those prickles of fear and uncertainty poke at my mind. Many times I think I could probably figure it out on my own if I really tried, even though I may not want to. Thus the mind plays games, telling me that I'm simply being a bother if I ask, despite the fact that it may not be true and God is above it all.

In the end the principles are taken to heart, but the question still remains. What's a girl to do?  Or maybe, does it even matter?

Not Strong Enough

On a frosty winter evening, two college kids, arms linked, skip down the street in anticipation of the night ahead. A few paces behind them, giggles and laughs erupt from another young couple as they amble toward their destination. Tremors of joy and excitement radiate through the air, and the Christmas season appears to be working its acclaimed magical touch.  

The unfolding of this scene can bring a warm spot to the heart, but as happens so often in life, we forget to look behind this initial picture. Looking back, there is a girl trailing the four other young people. She is close enough to be a part of the group, yet far enough away to walk by herself. On the outside, she appears to be smiling and ready for the upcoming event. Yet looking into her heart, a different story lies. She loves her friends and wants to be there, but there are times she wonders why she is present, because no matter what, it simply feels like she doesn’t belong.  

I tell the story of this young lady because not only have I been in that situation on more than one occasion and can comprehend the experience, but because in reality, there are times when I am her. My whole life I’ve had a knack for invisibility; even earning the nickname “ghost” as a teenager. It was given in fun, defining my ability to unexpectedly materialize or silently vanish from a location unbeknownst to those around me, yet there was a connotation of a deeper implication. 

That deeper meaning became apparent when my aptitude for invisibility went beyond a hollow nickname and expanded into the nooks and crannies of life. I realized I could disappear from a group and no one would notice I was gone, or I could just as easily find myself among people who called themselves my friends, yet be completely alone. In many situations to this day, it seems that the moment I take a breathe and pause from initiating interactions, I fade into the background unnoticed, whether I physically remain with the group or not. It’s as if I dawn a cloak of invisibility and can disappear whenever I desire. It’s unnerving to be in the middle of a group, surrounded by “friends,” yet literally be unseen, or to know that I can get lost and no one realize I am missing for the longest time. It’s then that the loneliness creeps in, winding its sticky tendrils through the heart and mind. 

It was after a recent encounter with the invisibility cloak and an abrupt altercation involving the perfidious mammoth of loneliness that I was listening to the radio and the words “I’m not strong enough to be everything that I’m suppose to be, I give up, I’m not strong enough” jumped out at me. It was as if the words were an echo of my mind. I was tired of being invisible, tired of trying to pretend to fit in, look happy, and fight the aloneness when I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry. I wasn’t strong enough to keep it up any longer. I was frustrated with it all and wanted to give up being a part of the group, forget spending the energy to be polite and social, and not even try.  In some ways, I just didn’t care what people thought anymore. If i was invisible, they wouldn’t notice what I did anyway, right?

Even though the words in the song reflected my thoughts, the lyrics didn’t end there. They continue on to say:

“Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, strong enough, for the both of us’” - Matthew West

Following the aggravating encounter, I literally found myself crying out to God in frustration. Looking back at the girl strolling down the sidewalk alone, she doesn't know what to do about it or why it happens, or the purpose of fighting the inner battle repeatedly.  Yet God is the only one who had the power to make a difference in these situations. She still doesn't have the answer, and she will never like being the third or fifth or whatever odd number of wheel, but in the end His mercy can be enough, and his strength remains, carrying her through to another day.  

Learning to Dance

An enormous wave crashes against the pink coral rocks, sending a thick spray of mist into the air. Swirling currents recede from the rocky coastline and flow back out to sea. Another giant wave leaps up, and water rushes into a small cavern between the rocks. With a roar, water rolls out the mouth of the cave and shoots high into the sky.

 Jus as nature’s stunning display of land meeting the sea is transfixing, creating a magical moment frozen it time, sometimes the journey of life brings amazing times and experiences that compel us to stand in awe and dance for joy, rejoicing in the goodness of our Heavenly Father.  Other times life threatens us with trials and pain, attempting to bury a person in hopelessness. It is during these moments that faith is tested the most, and God’s children must prepare to trust and grow. 

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 and 4 say:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. . .A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance

Life is designed to contain different stages, and each part has purpose. The most challenging times are often those moments when we must trust and praise the Savior even when the rain is falling. Despite the dark, damp sections on the path of life, we can still have joy in our Savior, and through it all we can hope, dream, believe, and most of all, learn to dance, even in the rain.